Muthoni's Birth Stories: Navigating Hyperemisis Gravidarium, Postpartum Anxiety and two positive births

Our first episode for 2026 is a powerful one with Muthoni. She always knew she wanted to be a mum and while excited to be pregnant with her first child, the pregnancy came with hyperemesis gravidarum. In spite of this Noni never gave up on her dream for a positive birth, she speaks to what it was like making adjustments to her birth plan when needed. 

Muthoni also shares openly about her experience with postpartum anxiety and the differences in her two postpartum periods after seeking help during her second pregnancy. 

Her story highlights the resilience and adaptability of women, the need for conversations like this so that more new mothers are able to identify and speak up if they are having intrusive thoughts that muddy the experience of mothering

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:03

Hello and welcome to the Back to Basics podcast. If you're joining us for the first time, this is a podcast for anyone walking the journey of birth, parenting, and supporting those who are. In each episode, we come back to what matters most honest stories by African women, trusted guidance, and the kind of community that helps you trust yourself. I'm Nicole and I'm so glad you're here. So take a breath because you're in the right place. Welcome Noni. Um, I'm so excited to hear your bird stories. I don't think I know any of them actually.

SPEAKER_00 0:35

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

Yeah, so maybe you can start by telling us, yeah, how you got to deciding you want to be a mom.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

Well, I think for me, my journey into motherhood uh started from a long time ago. I've I feel like I've always wanted to be a mum. I can't remember like in my teenage or adult brain making that shift of like, oh, maybe I do want to be a mom. I feel like it's always been there, the desire has always been there. And I think whether it's through like conditioning or nature, that nurturing instinct is like really strong in me. So um I think even when I was really young, I would be like trying to look after the younger kids like a you know, motherhead. Um like it just was there. Um but uh now, you know, in adulthood in my 20s, um I went through like different kinds of relationships, and when I was in a serious relationship, then got out of that, and I was it's so interesting. During that uh one serious relationship, even though I had always wanted to be mom, I was like, not him. Not with him, not him, no, no, no, no, no. And um then, you know, I really was like, you know, what do they call it? Um I was in the streets, I was playing the field, I was really trying to figure out like really, because I guess for me it was like, I know I want this, but now with who. So, you know, I met my partner, and I feel like week one, I was like, Yep, it's you. You're the brother of my kids. You're the one. Um, and you know, it took a f well, we were seeing each other for a few years, and then obviously gets to that point where we're like, okay, so is this, you know, do we really want this? And we felt like, yeah, we really did. Um, and then we got pregnant with our first. And my, my, my, that pregnancy, whoo, that pregnancy almost took me off. It was really hard. It was so hard. I found it, uh, I found my first pregnancy actually really traumatic. If I really, really uh reflect back on it. Um, I had so many complications. I had hyperemesis, uh, graviderum, which I was so sick. It was so isolating. If anyone you know is going through this, just send them some encouragement because it's so isolating. You feel like you can't go anywhere. Anything you anywhere you go, you just have so many smells, and you just you're sick. You just keep vomiting 10 times, 20 times a day. I used to have to go in for a drip all the time because I was just like, I couldn't even drink water. Um, but anyway, that pregnancy really it was hard. It was really hard, but it eased towards the third trimester after a bunch of different um complications. Uh, but it was a testing time, and I do think that built the building blocks to then try the transition into motherhood. But I guess even during that kind of difficult pregnancy, I was really deep in my birth prep. Really, really deep in my birth prep. I was listening to stories, including your podcast, listening to, yeah, I was really like deep diving into the birth that I really felt I wanted. I had a high-risk pregnancy with him, but regardless, I was like, I still know what I want for this birth. Um, there were some things where I did have medical advice to say, mm, maybe not. And in hindsight, I'm like, valid. Yes, fine. I did, I did. Because it was the first birth, and I do think when it's that first time, even if it's the second or third time, it is scary, and you are just like, ooh, um doctor knows the best kinda, yeah, yeah. And also your own voice sometimes you do question it. Yes, your instincts are strong. Um, but I did sometimes I was like, oh, you know, I want this, but is it for the best? But you know, to to to give them credit, they really did accommodate my needs and my wants. So I did a lot of birth prep, lots of hypnobirthing courses, really getting my mind right. Um and really in that third trimester, everything I could do to get my oxytocin high, I was doing it. Yeah, um, so much rest, so much like inner, like I really went into myself at that uh time. And so my son was actually born a little bit earlier, uh, because my cervix throughout pregnancy kept um dilating. So um they thought that he'd come a bit sooner, but in the end he came around 36 weeks. Okay, well, so yeah, to be honest, he was perfect. He was a fine weight, he was healthy, he was fine, he could feed, like everything was absolutely fine.

SPEAKER_01 6:22

Yeah, the pregnancy just terrorized you.

SPEAKER_00 6:26

That pregnancy was something else. Um so yeah, I actually went into spontaneous labor.

SPEAKER_02 6:33

No way.

SPEAKER_00 6:34

It was great because you know, because I had been dilating for so long, I feel like I was in early labor for so long, and every few weeks I'd be like, So is it this week? Is it not? Is it this week? Um yes, and sometimes I would even go into like three centimeters, nowhere, and then it would stop. Yeah, and this was like at from 25 weeks, I kept going into like like labor. So I'd have to go into hospital, they would like, you know, just in case they'd need to give me steroid like the baby different drugs or whatever. Um, but yeah, in the end, I just I actually stayed on bed rest for most of my third trimester, which was it was fine because I had no other kid to look after, so I just stopped working a bit earlier. Uh, I was not on my feet, I was just you know, really deep, deep, deep rest. So yeah, I got into spontaneous labor and it was I think I was 36 plus plus a few days. And um what had been happening days leading up to it, I was getting like kind of back tightenings, but I wasn't sure because to me I was just I was waiting for things in the front, lower belly. So I was not really yeah, I was just waiting for you know, period cramp. Um, but I just kept getting these things in my back. So I went to the doctor one day and they were like, Oh, maybe you have a uh a UTI that has gone to your kidney or something. So they did tests and they were like, nope, no UTI, no nothing. So I was like, and is this early labor? And they were like, Oh, you know, everyone's different, so you can never know. I don't know why they weren't, and now I know so many people get back labor, and why it was no one confirming, but it did last about me. Yeah, I was like, Yeah, it's uh at least tell me maybe it's a sign of labor, but UTI gone to your kidney sounds so scary. I know so yeah, they they told me, uh, you know, just hang in there if you get any more symptoms, come in. So, of course, I was at home symptom spotting, like, oh, I feel this, oh I've just felt something here. Oh, what's this discharge? Oh my god, what's this? What's that? And I was desperate, I was actually so desperate to meet him because at that point, your third trimester, you're just you've been longing for this child, you just want them in your arms. So yeah, so in the end, one day I was like, you know what, I'm just going to have a bath, relax, let those, you know, back pains, you know, dissolve if they're going to. Then randomly my blood pressure started to spike, and I was just like, oh, this is just when is this going to finish? I just want this baby in my arms. So I went to the hospital. They were checking, I had blood pressure monitor monitoring that whole day. And then we went home around like three, four o'clock, and my partner was due to go out um for food with his sister. And he's like, Do you want to come? And I was like, should I, should I not? And I was like, you know what? Let me just go, let me live. Because this thing of waiting for the baby every day, not doing anything just in case your baby comes. It's stressful. It's stressful, and then I was just like sitting looking at the time. I would have an app, contractions app. I would get just keep, you know, oh, I felt a cramp, let me record it just in case it's labor. You know, I was just so like, you know, too deep into it. Um, so I decided, let's go, let's go. Let me just have a change of scenery, let me go. So when we were about to leave home, I went to the bathroom and I noticed like a bit of mucus plug, but I was like, ah, I've been losing this thing for like on and off for months. Like, surely let me not look into it again. Um, so I just ignored it. And for this night, for some reason, I just decided, let me ignore symptoms. That's usually what happens. The second every symptom. Yeah. So I went, we went out, um, we went for food, we enjoyed. His sister was also pregnant, and we're taking bump shots together. You know, we were really enjoying the vibes, and now I'm sitting at the table and I can feel now, period. In the front, and I'm like, hmm. So this has not happened before. It's new, and I zipped my lips. I was like, I'm not, oh, how do you I'm not crying wolf? I'm not going to cry wolf. So yeah, I just sat there, I'm feeling the cramps, I'm feeling and it's getting stronger and stronger and stronger. And I'm just like, hmm. How far were they spaced? Or you weren't timing? I wasn't timing. I was just that the restaurant was buzzing, you know, the food was good, the vibes were right. So I was like, let me just breathe and act composed. And the thing is, I think in hindsight, I do have a high pain tolerance because I'm able to just act like cool and calm until it's really bad. So after dinner, my partner's like, oh, shall we just go and look at the Christmas lights? Because it was like he he's a December baby, so it was like, yeah, it was lovely. And I was like, yeah, let's go. And we're going by foot, mind you. So we're walking, walking. I'm feeling pain now. I love this. And front is hurting, back is hurting. Everything was like, yeah, this is quite painful. And in my head, I'm like, I think I'm in labor. And that feeling really excited me. It didn't scare me. I was like, Finally. So here we are. And now it's getting stronger and it's getting stronger. And my partner's like, Oh, let me go and get a t-shirt in this shop. And I was like, eh, eh, eh, eh, come back. We're not going for t-shirt. Now it's time to go home. Is this the first time you're telling him? This time I've I'm telling him, we're not going to the t-shirt, we're going home. And he's like, Why? Let's just, you know, my sister is here. I was like, I I think, I think I'm in labor. And I didn't want to alarm his sister as well. I just wanted like him discreetly, let's just go home. So luckily we didn't uh alarm her, but she said, she said to us, Oh, I have a feeling this baby's coming soon. You know how people also always say that.

SPEAKER_02 12:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:54

Um, so we go, and now we're on the train and we're waiting for the uh the train, and I go like I bend, and the first major big contraction really hit me. So now it moved from like just the cramps, I'd say, to like a proper contraction, like really like that downward pressure. And I like leaned over and kind of was like, oh. And now I'm surrounded by people. There's a man there, like who's working for the train, and he's like, Madam, are you okay? Should we call for help? I was like, No, no, no, no, no. I'm fine, I'm fine. We go on the train. At this point, I don't know why I didn't just say to him, let's take an Uber, or even him. We're like, no, let's take the train, and then after the train, let's take another bus to go. No way. I don't know why we didn't. So we get to the other side now, like closer to home, and now I felt really primal. So the contractions were proper, and now we started to time them. And this app tells you when it's regular enough, it says, Okay, you know, go to the hospital. That's the one. So it's saying go to the hospital when we're here on the train, and we've still got another additional bus to go home. Holy shit. Um, so we're just there, and I was still okay, but this primal instinct came. And when we were getting on the bus, someone tried to push in front of me. I almost thought, here I am in labor, and I'm with my big bump, and I'm almost fighting this poor lady. And she I looked at her, I was like, nah, and she's like, Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. And I felt so it's felt so strange like moving into this like headspace into very like I don't know, body space.

SPEAKER_02 14:47

Did you feel like the shift?

SPEAKER_00 14:50

I I did now looking back, I'm like, yeah, something shifted. I was not in my head anymore. I was in my body and I was not my usual self. I was like, I don't know, I don't know if primal. I guess primal is the right word to describe this. So got home and I was like, yep, dim lights, candles only, bounce on my ball and have a hot bath. And I went in the bath and I decided, let me call my midwives and see what they say. And they said, have continue your bath, keep hydrating and take paracetamol. And if the cramping stops, fine, go to bed. If it continues and the contractions continue to, you know, form a pattern, yeah, give us another call. So I did as they said, and you know, the cramping did not stop. Paracetamol did not help. Hot water did not, you know, change anything. Were you were you timing it now? Yes, yeah. How far were they? And it it was like every it was still, it wasn't too close. I wouldn't, I was still in early labor, so it was like every six-ish minutes apart. Still not bad. Yeah, still not bad, yes. So now I felt like yeah, I'm in labor, and I was so I was playing my hypnobathing tracks, I was breathing. I felt really in the zone. And then we got out of the well, I got out of the bath and put pyjamas on, and I was now bouncing on the ball, and I could really feel the ball was really helping to move the contractions along. And indeed, now contractions started to get to being like five, four minutes, and I was like, Yep, let's go to the hospital. Everything was ready, bags were packed, and all we needed to do was call the Uber. My partner started to freak out. I think all this time, he's such a chilled guy, and all this time he was so chilled. He started to grab random stuff, paper bag. Now he's putting random things, and I'm like, dude, you know, these bags have been packed for the last month at the door, ready. We're ready. Call the Uber and let's go. Now I'd read online um that you know, sometimes that change of environment can really mess with your labor. And even though I put a mask on and headphones, just so that I could really continue staying in the zone, my labor started to space out. So yeah, I got to the hospital and I was okay with um the checks, like the internal checks, because I felt like at that time I wanted to know. I've been feeling this pain. I want to know how far along am I, and they told me two centimeters, and I was so disappointed. I was like, what do you mean two centimeters? It was so demoralizing.

SPEAKER_01 17:54

I know. I'm like, unless they're telling you you're nine or ten, everything else is just like really.

SPEAKER_00 18:02

I felt so demoralized, and then the lady was like, Okay, their protocol is if you have not reached 37 weeks, they can't tell you to go home. Otherwise, they tell you to go home and continue laboring from home and come back when things have picked up again. But they said, because you're not yet 37, you're going to find we will find you a space where you can continue laboring, and then we'll see if it's progressing or if we just need to admit you and you know, we'll figure it out. So at this point, I had a tens machine, I'd brought all the stuff from home, and the room we were in was really dim, really like really like great vibes. And I was able to kind of drift in and out of sleep, even though I was in like I would kind of wake up a bit, but I was very dozy. And now a few hours passed, I'd say maybe about three hours, and something shifted in my body. I think it was something changed in the contractions, I just felt different. Yeah, and I woke up, I told my partner, go and call the midwife fast. Something has changed.

SPEAKER_01 19:15

How you rate like the contractions before this moment and then uh now it was I'd say like uh five out of ten, and now it was like a seven.

SPEAKER_00 19:31

So it was like a notch higher, but notch higher. Um and yeah, she came, she checked me, and she was like, Well, six centimeters, great now. We can admit you to the ward, let's go. Because at this point, I was not even, I was just at triage, I was just in like a little room somewhere on the side. Um, and yeah, they took me. And at this point, even though it was still painful, I was still able to talk. I was a bit jokey, and I accepted to take um the glass of gas, and oh, that thing was not bad at all, I recommend for anyone who's interested, because it makes you feel like you can still joke about a bit, you're you know, you're in a good vibe, you know. Yeah, so I continued with the gas and air, I met my new midwife, and unfortunately, the midwife who received me at the ward was not as warm as the midwife who I'd been with. Okay, so but then also at the same time, she received me and I was jokey jokey, and within an hour I was not joking around, and I think she could not make that shift as well. Yeah, yeah. So I was a bit disappointed in the end. Um, but it was close to a shift change, so she would have she was leaving anyway. Yeah, so at this point, I started to now feel like I can't talk anymore through the contractions, no more jokes, no more laughing. I started to really like now I was even making very primal noises, no more just breathing. I was really like like bearing down, and uh she I started to say, I think I need an epidural now. Even though in my plans I'd said I don't want because I actually have a phobia of needles. So I the thought of that really freaked me out. So I just decided, okay, this pain, I have no idea if it's going to last three more hours, ten more hours. But I need a break. Hi, mama. Say hi.

SPEAKER_01 21:44

Hi. Hi.

SPEAKER_00 21:48

How are you? Hi. Oh, is this your middle? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:54

She's mad.

SPEAKER_00 21:56

Oh, because you didn't go immediately. You know how toddlers are, they want you now. Or else. Oh, yeah, you are. I wanted a pediral. I was now in pain. I was like, I want this to stop. This is intense. And I started to feel really afraid. Even though I had not been feeling scared up until that point, I just started to feel afraid because I didn't know how much longer. I didn't know if it was going to get any more painful than that. Because if it was, uh I'm not having it. I don't want this. Yeah, it was too much. And now I started feeling that feeling of don't touch me, everyone get away from me. I don't want anyone near me. Yeah. And um the lady, you know, the midwife, she kept saying, I just have to check and see how far you are, how you know how many centimeters. Then we can call the doctor, and the doctor can say whether you can have an epidural or not. And I was like, Oh, that's fine. That's yeah. And she checked. Actually, no, it happened the other way around. The doctor came and mind you, the doctor had not even stepped foot because it was more like a midwife-led unit. But the doctor had come and he's asking me my name, my address to confirm, you know, all these things. And I'm looking at him like a dude. There's no paperwork. I want that epidural. Yeah, I want my dural. Like, stop it. I don't want to have chit chat, leave me alone. So um, at this point, he kept saying, Yes, you can have it, you can have it. And the midwife is saying, Doc, we have to first check how far launch is before. So I agreed to the check, and this internal check was so painful. I can imagine, but they confirmed that I was 10 centimeters. So I was like, Oh, and for me, that really, really helped me because that fear of especially how much longer that was really messing with me. So I was like, 10 centimeters, this means it's the peak. This is the peak pain. Okay, cool. Let's do this. Um, and where was your partner? He was just there rubbing my back. You know, I was telling him, put more tenth machine, give me ice. I was like telling him shouting orders, and he was like, Oh, oh, okay, okay. He was really, he was really like, I think, because he's never experienced anyone in labor, he's like a bit in shock. Um, like this. Exactly. He'd never seen me like that. So yeah, he was just there supporting by my side. Um, and yeah, then it was a shift change.

SPEAKER_01 24:44

I think 10 centimeters.

SPEAKER_00 24:48

I'm about to start pushing, and now I'm meeting new midwives for the first time. How was it? But thank God the midwife who came was like an angel. She was an angel. So, and of course, she's come fresh to work because it's 8 a.m. She has all the energy, it's come in the right vibe. She has all the energy, she's come with the right vibe. The one from nighttime is going home. She was already, I think she was so done with that day. Um, and she was incredible, and she just spoke so much life into me, so much encouragement, and she was like, You've got this, your body was made for this, like, do this, blah blah blah. So they they really encouraged me and they coached me so well with the pushing. So I was really scared of tearing with my first, and I felt like I at that point I was very tired because my labor was overnight, so I hadn't slept really. And I felt like I wanted to sleep. So when it was time to push, I was asking them, can I sleep? I want to sleep, I need to rest, and they're saying, No, you'll rest very, very soon, but you're so close, let's just just finish. And yeah, I pushed for 15 minutes and I just kept changing positions because I would push and they'd ask me, How does that feel in that position? I'd be like, No. So then I would try again, try different things, and in the end, I actually pushed on my back because I felt like the way the bed was angled, I could kind of angle myself. Like grounding, yes, and also I had the midwife here and my partner here, and I just felt like that like kind of support, it really helped. It gave me that last little energy I needed for pushing him out, and that was incredible because the pain goes away when you're pushing. For me, that's how it felt. I didn't actually even feel the ring of fire per se with him. I remember it with my daughter. So my water had not broken until just before pushing. Oh wow, and I think that made it more painful. I don't know if there's a science behind it, but it felt so intense towards the end. And then when my water broke, I felt some relief. And then now I started pushing. Uh and yeah, about 10, it was less than 10 minutes of pushing for him. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 27:27

What did the pushing like?

SPEAKER_00 27:31

Um I I was pushing with each contraction, so it felt I could kind of feel him coming down the canal. Um, but I just felt like I used my all my strength. Just like all the strength inside me to push this child out. And because I was afraid of tearing, they kind of were saying to me, they were guiding my perennium, and they were saying, like, okay, stop, stop, stop, okay, push again, stop, stop, stop. And basically, his body came out all in one. No, hang on. No, his head came out all in one. Oh, wow. And then his body came out all in one, so it was head, and then one more push, the whole body, and the relief, even just the physical relief, it felt like just like this, you know. And then it's like, oh my word, no pain, my baby's here. This is amazing, and I was like, My baby, and um immediately they put him on my chest, and that skin to skin was amazing, and uh they yeah, I think they just put a towel on him. I don't think because I asked them not to do too much, to do too much, and don't rub him too much, and he I think he started to feed almost immediately. Oh wow, and I was in awe. I just I think that day was just the best day ever. Um, yeah, and then the only thing post-birth now that I found very challenging, and I think I've mentioned to you before was the birth of the placenta. Yeah, that was very challenging because now I've got my baby, and now I'm like, oh, there's a second thing to do, and I feel I was kind of fear-mongered into having an oxytocin injection. Is it oxytocin? No, no, whatever it's like. Same thing, same thing, yeah. And I wish I had just waited for it to come naturally because I felt that push that forcing afterwards really like, oh, I found it very uncomfortable. Yeah, so they had to really push on my tummy, they had to like really, oh, or they did this video massage, yeah. And you know, they were kind of like, oh, oh, I don't know. I found that very hard. Um, and at this point, my partner was doing skin to skin with the baby, so now I felt like oh, I don't even have like this is awful, I don't even have my baby to like soothe this moment. Um, but yes, in the end, the problem was in my first labor, I didn't empty my bladder. Oh, there was no space for whole labor, so there was no space for me to birth the placenta easily, so I had to get a catheter first, empty my bladder, because I I felt like I couldn't even start now walking to the toilet. I was like, give me the catheter. Um and had you torn? I didn't tear. They guided me so well that I didn't tear even with the first because it was such a big fear.

SPEAKER_01 30:59

And well, thing is, if after you've given birth the first time, you'll feel like you've torn the feeling is like the tear is like barely even noticeable with like the feeling of a head coming out of your vagina, exactly, exactly, and a body, literally a huge like a whole human being.

SPEAKER_00 31:21

Um, so I think in hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have been that fearful, but luckily they guided me. I had a uh a warm compress on my perennium, and also they were able to tell me, like, okay, do little pushes here, big push here, little pushes. Um, so yes, he was born, and oh, that was amazing. And even though it was a very difficult pregnancy, I must say my birth was positive. Yeah, it's also it was positive, it was smooth. I had you know my early labor around dinner time, so seven, let's say seven, eight o'clock, and he was born after 8 a.m. So for a first birth from decent time, it's a decent time, so I feel really, really grateful for that. And yeah, I had a really interesting postpartum with him. Overall, it was great because this boy made me go outside because I'm a homebody, and if it was up to me, I'd have just stayed inside. But you know, when you've got a child, you their needs, you know, their needs come first, yeah. And I was like, okay, I have to be taking you out, I have to make sure I meet other mums, I have to go, you know, and do so I socialize, and that was the busiest time of my life because I used to go outside, come back in the evening. My partner works from home, so he'd be like, What? This is the busiest I've ever seen you. I'd come home full of energy, and I loved it. I felt I felt I felt really good having this little boy and this new life. I don't know how to explain, but I feel like children open up a whole new world for you. Yeah, now all of everywhere I'm seeing mums, we're like, you know, you just clock eyes with mums, you know, you give that look and that little smile.

SPEAKER_01 33:18

It's such a nice conversation starter as well.

SPEAKER_00 33:21

Exactly. How old is yours? How what's their name? No, no, no. It's great. It opened up a huge world for me. Um, and then but alongside that, I was struggling, I didn't even have a name for it at the time, but I was struggling with postpartum anxiety.

SPEAKER_01 33:39

Yeah. And how did you how did you get to the point to first of all like recognizing that you had it, and then I guess getting help, or yeah, how you navigated that?

SPEAKER_00 33:49

Getting help took a long time because I was in a bit of denial. I didn't really want people, I didn't want people to know, and also I didn't know how much of it was normal. And I guess common and normal are things I was mixing up. Things can be common, but they're not normal.

SPEAKER_03 34:12

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:14

And so I remember talking to a friend of mine, and she was having she opened up to me and I was like, ooh, okay. Um, and I was like, oh, so if she's feeling it and I'm feeling it, then maybe it's just normal. Let me just ignore. Oh, really?

SPEAKER_01 34:32

Maybe everyone is how many months postpartum?

SPEAKER_00 34:36

Um maybe maybe about four months postpartum when this this friend of mine was opening up about her kind of intrusive thoughts. Um but I'd been feeling it from day one. The moment the moment we packed up and left the hospital, I was having intrusive thoughts and postpartum anxiety.

SPEAKER_01 35:03

Yeah. And then what did the anxiety present as? Was it yeah, panic attacks?

SPEAKER_00 35:10

So it was more really irrational fears of the worst happening to my baby. So, like, for example, if it was him coughing, I'd think someone has given my child RSV and this is it. This is the end. Or if it was about leaving him to sleep in his in the in our room, if we were having dinner in the next room, I would visualize and it would be really, really graphic. Visualize like the ceiling collapsing in on him. Then I'd be like, I can't eat, I have to go and get him. I can't leave his side. I couldn't separate from my child. Now leave alone people looking after my child. I could not rest. I couldn't even allow it. I couldn't even do it. Even his own dad, I'd be like, he'd be like, babe, just go and have a like a relaxing bath, have some mute time, I'll go and take him for a walk. I would visualize a bus coming and crushing both of them. Especially just those thoughts. And it was so I couldn't control it. I couldn't control when it would happen, when it wouldn't. And it would be like on a daily basis, almost from morning to night. Oh, I'm cooking, and then I'll just imagine like the fire catching, like you know, my baby, and like everything. And that really was like, oh, this is awful. Like, I don't want to think these things, like it's really scary. Yeah, um, and luckily, with of course, social media is such I know it's got its side, its dark side, but I've found social media since becoming a mom to be a really helpful tool. And I came across so many resources about injuries of thoughts, post bottom anxiety, and I was like, I think I've got this. No, I started to see, like, you know, I think this is me. Well, don't talk things to me. I know, and I'd be like, oh, and I then didn't tell anyone else, like I just kept it to myself. But sometimes I'd be crying, and I'd be crying and crying because I'm like convincing myself that something bad is happening, and this is my last day with my child, and I'd be like really worked up. Um, and then it's only when I got pregnant with my second child and the new midwife. Imagine the new midwife was asking questions about mental health, and I was like, you know what? Maybe I should be honest. You kept it to yourself. So that was what, like a year or two? Yeah, a year, because I was I I could uh was pregnant with her when he had just turned one. So it was at my first midwife clinic when I was like, uh, yeah, so actually, since I had my first child for the last one year, I've been experiencing these thoughts and it's starting to mess with me. Starting. Can you imagine? And it was so bad. And they were like, What? You've not gotten any help. Why didn't you say anything? And I was like, Oh, I didn't know who to tell, you know. Um, and they got me talking therapy immediately. They were like, Yeah, and then they also spoke to me about medication, which I was very reluctant to do because I just felt I was scared of taking stuff when I was pregnant with or breastfeeding, and I was doing both. So I was like, Oh, I don't know, let me do the therapy first, and then so long story short, I was now going on with my pregnancy. Her pregnancy was still a bit challenging, but much easier than the first. No complications, no problem. Nine months came and went. My girly, 36 weeks, 37, 38, 39, 40. No, 41. I'm like every day desperate. After giving birth the first time, 36 weeks, I was desperate for this girl. I was like, stop playing with me, mommy, come. Um, and yeah, so with her, the funny thing is I started having labor symptoms every night for a month leading up to her birth. So every night I was like, this is it, this is it. And I'd wake up in the morning and I'm crying, where's this girl? And I felt really confident now about birth because of my first birth.

SPEAKER_02 39:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:56

And I we decided we're going to have a home birth for her. So from the very beginning, the midwives that I had were going to support me for a home birth, and this was the plan altogether. And so we get to about that time where she was supposed to be born, and every few nights the midwives would send a message saying, We're not available tonight. If you need any support, go to the hospital, go straight. And I'd be like, Oh, I don't want her to come tonight, I don't want her to come. Then, you know, we'd we were ready for our home birth. We had affirmations up on the wall that we'd written. The pool was blown up, it was ready. Um, and the main reason why um we needed to, well not needed, but wanted to have a home birth was because I didn't have child care for my son. Well, we didn't have like proper, proper child care. Okay. I never slept away from him before.

SPEAKER_01 40:58

And he was still one.

SPEAKER_00 41:00

He was, yeah, he was, yeah, he was, yeah, he hadn't turned two, yeah. He hadn't. It was August. So he was a few months to turn two. And I just was like, I don't want to be separated from my child, especially because of this push button anxiety, even that. Oh, so you're still experiencing it with the pregnancy. Yes, yeah. Oh wow, and obviously, pregnancy symptoms would make sometimes like these things really heightened. So yeah, with my baby girl, we waited for her, and I went for my little like 40-week appointment, and they were like, Wow, you see, you're still pregnant. Because I kept telling them, You guys, you're not gonna see me next week. You know, I kept telling them at the clinic, I'm going to give birth by 37 weeks, and then each week they'd be like, Hi. So I had 40 weeks, they're like, You see, and at this time I just kept I kept quiet. I was like, I don't know, I don't know what's happening. Um, and yeah, basically, the night I didn't have any labor symptom is the night I had her. No, so every night for a month I had symptoms, cramping. I'd even time them and they'd die off. And then this night, obviously, nesting happened. I cleaned the whole house, I cooked. For some reason, I meal prepped, which I never do because I'm not that organized as a mom. I'm a type B mom Cavisa. Um, and so we had food in the fridge, house was spotless, everything was good, and then it was my partner's birthday. I was like, you know what? Let me just order his birthday presents to come on that day and just do a big like online food shop, like so that I don't have anything in my head. Everyone's born in December. No, well, no, so Albi is born in December, our son, then August, it's me, then my partner, then my baby. Oh, okay. No, the other way around. Me, me, my daughter, and then uh my partner. Okay, okay. So you should have seen me on my birthday last year. I was crying. I was like, why am I still pregnant? I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I was so big, I was so heavy, I couldn't get up from the sofa without needing a hand. I was like, and then I'm here trying to chase after a toddler. Oh my god, by yourself. It was not a joke. It was not a joke. So yeah, I did all these things and then I was like, let me just go to bed. It was 11. I put my phone down and I slept. Around one, I just woke up to go for a wee. You know how third trimester you're waking up so much to go. Um, and when I was wiping, I saw like some fluid, and I was like, uh, maybe it was just like a wee, you know, like I didn't finish and then I stood up and then I've just wet myself.

SPEAKER_01 43:54

I love how older kids are like, let's just wait till she's not bothered. And then

SPEAKER_00 44:00

No, no, they're playing with me. So I was convinced I've just wept myself. And because my waters hadn't broken with my first, I didn't know what it would be like. And it was just a bit of a trickle. So I was like, ah. So I just went back to bed.

unknown 44:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:17

And I was like contractions, right? No contraction, not even a single cramp, nothing. So I go to bed and I'm lying there and I'm just trying to get back to sleep. And then I feel some more of that liquid and I'm like, I okay, let me go back to the toilet. Now take a torch. Because you know, I was also going in the dark. I was with a small lamp. I didn't want to turn on the liquid. So that time, I probably should have just checked the color or the texture or something. Um, so this second time I did. And I was like, yeah, this kind of looks like what waters could be like. So I was like, oh yes, that kind of feeling, you know. Yes, finally, I went back to bed, and um now I was hit with a contraction of all contractions. So instead of early labor cramps, now it was a boom, and I was like, excuse me, this is painful. Not just pressure, not just pressure, it was proper contraction. So I was like, let me give it time. I'm not waking anybody up. Let me give it an hour and see what happens. And the plan was still for a home birth, or that was still the plan. And because I knew there was no rush, I was like, ah, everyone was sleeping. Our son was actually in the middle in our bed, then you know my father is there. The pool is in the next room, everything was ready. So I have the second contraction within five minutes, and it's not a cramp, it's a very big one. So my plan to wait an hour, then wake up my partner. I woke him up, I said, Let's go to the next room. He's like, huh? You know, he's waking up, he's like, What do you, you know, what's going on? Yeah, I said, Call the midwife now, because the first contraction, then second one within five minutes, third one, they were coming in, they were coming in hard and fast, and they were painful. So then we go into the other room and we call our midwife, and she's like, I'm so sorry, guys. All the midwives in the service are with women right now. You for some reason, so on average, they give they have five home births per month. This night we were all on labor, all of them, everyone, all of us, and I was the last to call, so no midwife was available, and they were like, Look, you can continue at home, but it sounds like your labor is progressing really quickly. They said, if you want, call an ambulance to give you gas and air, because they can have it on thingy, and you can continue doing it at home if you feel comfortable, otherwise, go in. And I was like, what do I do? Because now I was happy with a home birth, considering I would have midwives. Yes, not solo, I was not ready to free birth per se. Um, and now we had at least we had a few people to call. A lot of people used to check on me from 36 weeks, saying, like, oh, any symptoms? Should we be ready tonight to come to take care of you know my son? Because my friend was gonna come and just stay with him in the next room for as long as it would take. And just like as he was sleeping, or you know, whatever. Now tell me why plan A, plan B, plan C, and plan D and Plan E were all sleeping, no one picked. And all these people used to check on me until 40-something weeks when they gave up. Even me, I gave up. Yeah, everyone was sleeping. We tried so many calls, we tried, and this was around 2 a.m. So no one was answering. Luckily, we got hold of um my father-in-law, who was not he was even on holiday visiting. So luckily we got him, and he got in an Uber and they came in the middle of the night. And just as the their Uber came, ambulance was taking me out because I decided at this point I don't want to do it at home without the midwives, I'd rather go to the midwife-led unit. Unit. So now I'm going, and these contractions had started less than an hour ago, but they were so strong to a point where when because now I'm trying to put clothes on to go, and I couldn't even get my legs through into my trousers because the pressure was so it was so much. And throughout this time, I was just bouncing on my ball, and the um my waters just kept trickling, trickle, trickle, trickle, and I was like, okay. So I take the gas and air, it was great, thank goodness. We get to the hospital, and in the hospital, in the ambulance, I was still able to talk. They weren't even putting sirens, it was just they were just driving me because it wasn't an emergency.

SPEAKER_02 49:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 49:23

Um, and I said to them, and it was around two-ish, no, it was around three that time now. And I said to them all, I said, by 5 a.m. I can assure you this baby will be here. And they were like, I was like, people, trust me. And at that time, because now I could remember from my first birth kind of the order of the bodily sensations. I was like, Yeah, I'm in transition. I know, I can feel I'm in transition, and I was able to talk. And I'm wondering because the waters had gone, the pressure wasn't not too much like the first time. I don't know, who knows? I think every birth is different. Um, so yeah, I was still chatting, we were talking with the paramedics, we're going in the ambulance, we arrive at the hospital, I go into the the birth center, I had the most lovely midwives, and they said to me, Do you want to do a water birth? We have the tub if you want us to fill it up. What would you like? So I said, Yeah, I'd love to try the water. So they said, Okay, you just continue here. They put me somewhere comfy and they went to fill up the tub. They come to get me and they say, The tub's ready, you ready? I could not walk. The pressure was so much I couldn't stand up because I just felt like I was being dragged down. And yeah, I ended up uh they I kept waiting for like a contraction to finish so that I could walk to the tub. But the contractions were back to back, no break in between. I was having one, just as the other one finished, I feel the other one rising. Just as the other one finishes, it was so intense. So at this point, I'd arrived at the hospital, they're filling the tub, but no one had done an internal check. So it had been about 15 minutes since arriving. They said, Are you okay with any check? And at this point, I was like, Oh, I don't want to be demoralized, but I'm also very curious because I know in my heart that I've already transitioned. Yeah. So she checks and she's like, You are 10 centimeters.

SPEAKER_01 51:31

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 51:32

Great, been one hour. Two hours. Less. Because this was around three-ish. Just after three, like three thirty. Yeah, let's say two hours from the moment I'd gone to do my first um uh to the toilet for the first time. Okay, so yeah, two hours, and she said, Do you feel the urge to push? And I was like, Yeah, I've been feeling this urge to push since I've left home. Like she's like, give it a try, just give it a try. I said, Okay, was it even five pushes? No way, and my daughter was born. So her birth now. I had been told my daughter is small by the the doctors, yes. So she was born, and it was so like I found that pushing. I read again, you have to use your whole strength, all the strength in your body, in your bones, just push. And they kept telling me that, and for some reason, this time I wasn't even scared of tearing. I was like, if I tear, I tear, I was just pushing, I wasn't even listening to like anything, I wasn't listening to any guidance, I was just pushing. And uh, I was following my body this time around. I was much more relaxed because I was like, I know what to expect. Um, and they kept telling me in all the ultrasound scans, she's on the smaller side, she's on the smaller side. Tell me why this baby was so big. No way, she was so big, and plus than your son, bigger. She was almost four, she was 3.7, no way, and my son was 2.8 kg. So almost like you know, actually, it was a kilo difference. Um, and um yeah, so I did that, and then now it was time to birth the placenta again, and um she was also quick to feed, so now the feeding helped uh the placenta birth, but they were telling me it's quite big, so I don't know why. Some placentas are big and why placentas are, you know, I don't know why, but they were like, Wow, this is really big. Do you want to see? I was like, Nope, I'm good. Let me just see my baby. Um, and it's very interesting when she was born. I was so happy to now like I was so relieved. I held her for a bit, I was so happy, and then I handed her to her dad, yeah, and I was like, I need to rest. I'm tired, I'm really tired. Um, and I just lay there doing the gas and air as they, you know, the the yeah, the midwives are doing their things on the side, baby was having skin to six skin with her dad, and I was just there as if I was doing shisha or something. Um, but yeah, it was fantastic, and whereas with my son, I couldn't let him go. With her, I was like, ah, she's my girl for good. You just go spend time with your dad, you'll come later. Yeah. Um, but yeah, I had a really positive experience with both my babies. And when I went home, I was lucky. Well, I was lucky to go home the same day. I had no issue, no tearing, no problem. So we just stayed in because uh she had done her first meconium in the water. In the water, so they said I needed to stay for I think six to twelve hours, and then they'd say you're discharged. Now, when I went home and like got settled and everything, after a few days, I was like, you know what? I need to sort out this postpartum anxiety once and for all. And I actually started medication a week after she was born. I was like, my children need the best version of me. I cannot be having those thoughts now with my toddler and a new baby that would destroy me. I started and I was like, therapy, it's coming, medication, we start. Yeah, and yeah, since she's been born, I've never had intrusive thoughts about her. I took the medicine about just for about eight weeks, and just eight weeks, it helped me so much.

SPEAKER_01 55:50

Oh wow, so you're now you're off it.

SPEAKER_00 55:52

Now I'm off it. I I stopped when she was three less than like three months old. And it's it it it helped, and I've not had that postpartum anxiety again.

SPEAKER_01 56:07

Yeah, oh that's awesome. So yeah, yeah. Awesome, congratulations. Thanks, mama. So good on you.

SPEAKER_00 56:16

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love it, I love it, and these guys, they've honestly they've brought out the best in me. They brought out a side to me that I didn't, they brought out strength and patience, and so much more that I just didn't know was in me, and joy that I didn't know was possible to feel.

SPEAKER_02 56:38

So, yeah, I'm grateful, I'm grateful.

SPEAKER_01 56:41

And what would you say is the difference between nonny before baby and then nonny now?

SPEAKER_00 56:49

Oh my word, I'm a totally different person. I have softened and slowed down, and my priorities have absolutely changed. I feel like um before I was trying to prove things, like my worth was through my accomplishments, and I'd be constantly like either trying to prove myself at work or prove myself like with achievements so that I can have like my mum or dad tell me, like, oh well done, we see you. Yeah, now I'm just like this is me. I don't care what anyone thinks about me except my kids, you know. It's only actually like bad, no one else's voice matters. Um, and I've also become a lot more confident because now I'm like, I've done that, I'm I'm literally doing it every day. Yeah, these like you know, there are days you wake up and you're like, I can't do this, I've not slept, I'm so tired, I'm sick, my kids are sick, and then you do it, and you do it, and you smash it, and you're like, Okay, I'm so strong, I can do this. And I think I didn't believe in myself as much before that than I do now.

SPEAKER_01 58:01

Oh, yeah. Awesome. Oh, okay. Maybe if there's I don't know, a message you have for another mom maybe struggling with HG or yeah, just something you wish someone else would have told you, or you want someone else to know.

SPEAKER_00 58:17

Yeah, definitely. I think when it comes to mental health, maternal mental health, get help soon. If you're not feeling quite right, don't keep it inside. You know, your postpartum journey or pregnancy journey could look so different if you get help as quickly as possible. Uh, I waited too long to get help, and that clouded my whole first year with my child, my first child. And now I'm having a totally different experience because I got help. So if there's anyone listening who either has postpartum depression, anxiety, rage, don't be ashamed. You're not alone, and there's help. There's help.

SPEAKER_01 59:04

Okay, awesome.

SPEAKER_00 59:06

Thank you so much. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 59:08

I'm so glad.

SPEAKER_00 59:10

I'm grateful, grateful, grateful. Yeah. What's next for you guys? Definitely. I think uh after surviving two under two, because I'm this is where I draw the line. Yeah, now it's time to baby our relationship after these kids grow. Because of course, as when you become a parent, your relationship takes a bit of a backseat. Yeah, um, we don't have family nearby, so it's just that even dates, we don't get to have dates as much as we wish we could. So, you know, now it's time to finish getting through the early years after that. It's me and him, and me just pouring back into me. Yeah, I know we're back. But yes, that's it. That's how that's that's our uh our stage right now. Yeah, oh great, perfect. Uh thanks for having me, Nicole.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:03

Thank you, and thanks to your daughter for being such a cooperative co co-podcaster.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:10

Oh, well, you're really you inspire me a lot, my dear.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:15

Yeah, thank you. Yeah, okay. Can we see you guys?

SPEAKER_00 1:00:21

I know, I know. Oh, but I would love to see you and your babies.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:25

Okay, we'll see you soon. Take care of yourselves. Okay, bye. Bye. And that's a wrap for today's episode. If this conversation sparks something in you, share it with someone who needs to hear it so they can feel a little more confident and a lot less alone. We would love to hear from you, so leave a comment and follow the pod so you don't miss any new episodes. We're building a community and we'd love for you to be part of it. Until next time, take care of yourself.